I have had anxiety all my life. Some days I let it cripple me because I think sometimes it is a unrealistic expectation to be “Okay” all the time. Even though places like Pinterest give you tips or give a expectation that if you follow all of their tips you will be okay all the time. I want to throw that idea out the window for today.
In 2014 I had my first panic attack. For anyone who has had panic attacks before you feel like your having a heart attack. Your palms feel like you just washed them because they are soaked with sweat. Your fingers and toes go numb because you hyperventilate. I had a panic attack because every day I kept telling myself that I needed to be okay that if I wasn’t okay every single day that I would let everyone down.
In my mind, I thought about how I needed to take care of my little brother, I needed to go to school every day and do all my homework plus extra credit. I needed to not show that I was constantly doubting myself. I didn’t want anyone to know that I get nervous meeting new people or starting new conversations. Or that when I try to meet new people or start new conversations I have a voice in my head telling me that the person I am talking to thinks I am awkward or that they have zero interest with what I am saying.
Today I woke up with a list of things I needed to do. One of those things was push through my anxiety. Every time I get frustrated because I don’t feel like I am a good writer or that people won’t like what I have to say on twitter or they won’t share my posts on facebook or that I won’t get those extra 5 pins I wanted. I have to keep trying to get to my “better” I have to keep telling myself that it is okay that I get scared or that I want to hide every time I try something new.
If I don’t tell myself that I accept my anxiety that I accept the challenge of overcoming it. Every single day every time I write something new or take a chance to meet someone new. Then what is the point of Pinterest tips? Today I accept that I have a mental health issue and that I am going to struggle every day with the voices in my head telling me “I can’t do it”, or “you suck just hide from the world you will be comfortable again.”
Acceptance of my problem is the start of being comfortable with the problem. I accept my anxiety today. Maybe one day I will be okay with having it every day but today I accept it. It’s a start, right?